matchbreaker | Recollé IC Inbox

[ Continued from here ]

[ . . . How is it this self-aware? But then, she thought she saw him? She hangs her head, biting her lip. She feels vulnerable now, probably looks it too - so tired, so... so everything. She brushes her own hair back, the purple shade. She thinks about it all, and the glances back at Toushiro. Toushiro, with his natural black hair. Just like... ]

... Yes. a lot has, hasn't it?

...I had a rough time of it when I was little. Even before the foster care. I desperately wanted to be acknowledged and loved, but I was already starting to give up on that way before I even met you.

[It's brief and to the point. It's terrifying to say it this bluntly, but at the same time, if he really wants to say that he's changed at all since then, this is necessary. And hell, maybe he'll have to say it all again in person, so until then, this is good practice.]

You were different. I wouldn't have opened up as much as I did if you weren't. Spending a year with you made me think that maybe I really could have a family. But I didn't really know how to be myself, either. I kept everything close to the vest. I was constantly scared that you would turn around and throw me out someday, so when I messed up and you got upset, I assumed that was it, and fled before you could reject me.

Or to put it simply, I didn't consider your feelings at all.

[Maybe the whys of what he did are understandable, but they don't change that last part. He told Toushiro that he's a coward, and that's true... But the reality is that he's also been a selfish person.]

I don't think I understood that until recently. It might be a little late, but I'm sorry. About all of this.

[ What is the border between a nightmare and a dream? The woman feels that blurry line so strongly right now, as if he mind is setting her up for failure, like some dark shadow must fall now and envelop her and him, like the world is just that much more cruel. There's no way that's not the case - how many times has this scene been repeated, and how many times as her affection been so coldly rejected.

She feels so incredibly small.

Even when they're on the level like this and the boy is being vulnerable, in some part of her mind, the older woman can't help but feel he's underestimating his own power. Sure, she's the adult here, but her world, her whole world for the last decade of her life has been her two boys, and their every breath and movement might as well have been the coming of an earthquake, a hurricane, the rising and the falling of the sun and moon. She knows her voice is shot from everything else she's been through so far.

It's... it's very late. Her hands rest softly on her lap, and she speaks up in an incredibly mild voice, all things considered, ]

... I loved you. We both loved you, and I wanted to have you here, with me. Don't... think I'm blind, just because I'm older. It's obvious from one glance at you that you've known hardship, but I wanted to offer you stability. [ She glances down, and...

This is a dream, this is a nightmare. It doesn't really matter if she's cruelly honest or not, doesn't it? ]

It's very sheltered of me, but this was the worst day of my life.

...It is. How old are you? Forty? You could've cast your lot in with any other kid, and you picked someone like me. Was it because Toushiro liked me?

[They're harsh words, but they have no bite to them, either. If anything, he sounds genuinely curious, but he's quick to move on.]

I can't say that this was the worst day of my life, or even the most painful, but it is my biggest regret.

[It's the thing he thinks about, that keeps him up at night or shows up in his dreams. It's the one thing he never wants to do again. But that's the scary part, isn't it? He can't just avoid getting that close to people. The only thing he can definitely do is to be himself and do his best not to hurt anyone around him.]

We both liked you. You were bright, and when you can pull off anything near a genuine smile, you're a beautiful boy, you know.

[ She knows it was never going to be the worst to anyone except herself. ... Maybe Toushiro. But her life was, in essence, a charmed one. One where she didn't know real hardship. Her woes were slight, but compounding.

She's sure it's anathema to an orphan. ]

I know. I'm not sure if I understood it at the time, but I know now.

[Why does everyone keep saying that? Come- come on, now's not the time to get embarrassed, this is serious--]

And I know you both still like me now, even if things are a lot more complicated. I'll do my best not to tread on your feelings. You might have to break some things down for me like I'm a little kid, though. It's really hard to tell what you're thinking.

[...]

I don't want anything to happen to either of you. I definitely don't want to be responsible for it.

[ . . . ]

Honestly, if it comes down to it, it's just because it worked. I don't have some grand answer for you about how you were a better or worse kid than any one I've fostered. Because the affection people feel doesn't work that way. Or at least, it shouldn't.

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